Changing the Narrative on Mother-in-Laws
Reducing the stigma, ways to improve relationships, what is working for others, and some gift ideas!
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Romans 12:18
A few months ago, I had a long, honest conversation with a fellow mom who has become a new mother-in-law. She was seeking out my wisdom on this subject to which I told her, I’m still learning and trying myself! I love and appreciate my beautiful, smart, supportive daughters-in-law who dearly love my sons! We moms with married children are striving to be good mothers-in-law and even if we have good relationships with our daughters-in-law, we always want to improve and be better.
So, I asked several of you to tell me about your positive relationships with your mothers-in-law and many of you shared your experiences for which I am so grateful. We can certainly learn from each other.
This post isn’t a “how to” but it does hold some wisdom from precious people doing this relationship well. I’m taking mental notes right along with you, sweet friends.
And one of those positive relationships is found in the Bible in the first book of Ruth. This story is about two precious people in fact, Naomi and Ruth. The Bible tells us that Naomi lost her husband and two sons and was left alone with her daughters-in-law. She told them to go back home and find new husbands. So, one of the girls did, but Ruth stayed because she didn’t want to leave, telling her, “Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God.” (Ruth 1:16 NIV)
Ruth’s loyalty and love for Naomi is evident as there is nothing that Naomi can do for her being a widow herself. Ruth’s kindness and her trusting relationship with the Lord in this situation blesses them both. We can always trust that God is working on our behalf too, despite the circumstances.
So, here are some other people’s stories on Substack and names you might recognize. Listen to what they have to lovingly say on this topic:
Tanya Gunderson shares, “I love my mother-in-law and call her more than my husband does! lol
It’s always been important to me to include her in the family regardless and so we let her know she is welcome here! That means top notch hospitality to her.
She simply loves the granddaughters and of course my husband and I. The way she just pitches in especially with the laundry is amazing. Folding and putting it away (my worst chore) and then always cleaning up the kitchen sink.
She had 7 kids of her own and doesn’t sit still over here (in a good way). Wants to help and watch the kids.
I think it’s important to respect from both sides’ mil and dil. We don’t choose them, but they are a blessing to us and always much to learn from both sides.”
Such great thoughts in Tanya’s comment! She talks with her, even making the effort to call her. Everyone wants to be included, and Tanya lets her know she is welcome and wanted. Tanya recognizes her love for her grandchildren and for them and she appreciates when her mother-in-law pitches in and helps around the house. And she points out that even though we don’t get to choose each other we can recognize the blessing we can be to each other. I simply love that thought! Thank you for sharing and being a wonderful example for us, Tanya!
Rebecca commented, “Ooo! Looking forward to this post. Our son got married in April. I love my DIL and would appreciate tips on how to encourage her in a practical way.”
First off, congratulations on your son getting married! I love that you are looking for ways to encourage your daughter-in-law. I hope this post and the comment section helps you all get some fresh ideas, Rebecca!
R Meadow say these pearls about daughters-in-law, “Respect the boundaries, let them set the pace and tone. If they ask, then share and love as you would with your own. Then, follow their lead. They will respect and love you the more for it. Don’t take sides or ask too many questions, they will share if they want to. You’ll share more by your actions than your words.” (Rosie)
Rosie’s words are straight to the point and wise, let them take the lead and love them like your own children. Love like you would want to be loved. Be respectful. Be impartial, listen and take their cues on matters. Thank you for sharing, Rosie!
Anima Martins shares, “I showed interest in my mom-in-law’s interest, I respected her domain. I allowed her to be queen where she was already reigning. I let her know my willingness to learn from her. Fortunately, we shared many same interests which made our relationship easier.”
I like how Anima turns it around and shares what she did as a daughter-in-law! It is a give AND take relationship with each other. She was teachable and humble and how beautiful they had so many common interests. Perhaps finding some interests you have together is a good place to start in building trust and a positive relationship! Anima, thank you for contributing!
Michelle Perl commented, “I am not yet a mother-in-law. But I raise my sons, teaching them the importance of being sensitive to their future wives’ feelings in this area. We need to be clear that even the most wonderful wife will deal with this strain, even if she loves his mom AND loves spending time with her. Everyone needs to be conscious of this. It’s a big way the Satan creeps in to make problems in a family!”
Michelle speaks to teaching our children to be sensitive to future in law relationships. Our conversations and actions can influence our children, teenagers and young adults positively if we have this mindset, attitude and lead by example. Thanks Michelle!
Dawn Pulgine shares,
“I had the best mother-in-law ever. She is no longer on this earth, and I miss her dearly, but she left a lasting imprint on my heart.
What did she do right? She loved me, and she let me love her son. She didn’t offer advice unless I asked. She was supportive, kind, generous, and a true friend. She had a servant’s heart and was more like a second mom than a mother-in-law.
One of the greatest gifts she gave me was showing me how to be a mother-in-law—without ever realizing she was teaching me.”
Goodness, that last line of Dawn’s gets me, “One of the greatest gifts she gave me was showing me how to be a mother-in-law—without ever realizing she was teaching me.” And I guess it’s because I resonate with it so much with my own mother-in-law.
And I want that to be able to be said of me from my daughters-in-law too now and in the future.
Thank you, Dawn, for sharing your experience and wisdom on this topic!
And now, here are 10 Practical Takeaways mothers-in law and daughters-in law can remember in this relationship together:
Be respectful of each other.
Be teachable, we really can learn from each other.
Love each other.
Pray for each other.
Have fun together, find common interests.
Help each other out.
Be positive, give grace and the benefit of the doubt.
Be kind to each other.
Build trust together.
Say “Thank You.”
What would you add to this list, tell me in the comments!
Below are a few gift ideas you might want to consider for Mother’s Day:
A day off, or time to do an activity she wants to do, let her take a nap, have some alone time, share a family meal. Ask what would bless her the most and do that!
Hand drawn pictures and homemade art given in one of those interchangeable art frames.
New kitchen utensils and hand towels since she’s probably due for some. Oh, just me?
Every gardening mom could use some new gardening tools with a gift card tucked in for her favorite garden center. Gardening not her thing, then get her favorite flower, bush or tree and help her plant it!
Every Mom and especially Grandmas love Digital Photo frames, trust me!
This post is lovingly dedicated to my mother-in-law; I grow to respect and love her more with each passing year!
I sincerely hope this post encourages you, both mothers and daughters-in-laws, to focus on building better positive relationships for you and your own families.
Let’s be a part of changing the narrative together!
Until next time sweet friends,
Brooke
Hi, I’m Brooke Z from The Pondering Scottie! I’d love for you to join me for more encouraging posts and notes centered around the topics of Jesus, family, homeschooling, travel, books, and nature, with some surprises thrown in along the way!
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It’s interesting to read this - I didn’t have a MIL - both she and my own Mom passed away years before my husband and I met. I have 2 daughters that are both married. Relationships with son-in-laws are very different. 😊😉
These are lovely. Thank you for sharing this. It's so sweet to learn from each other.